Will I...

Will I always see a 3 year old boy when I look at your face? I didn't tell you but last night when you wouldn't kiss me it hurt my feelings. Suddenly, I didn't want that kiss anymore, but I did. I saw in that moment, and maybe you did too, your ability to hurt me like no one else can, and the quote sprung to mind. Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." To think I have been so careful with it up till now.

It was easier when...

Be strong. Take care of your mother when I'm gone. These are things I tell my little boy when I leave the house. I see in his eyes that he believes he is going to do those things when I am away, and to the best of his 3 year old ability, I know that he will. What I am really doing is instilling in him a subconscious confidence that he will carry his whole life. A responsibility to the women in his life as well as his younger siblings. This is the burden of the oldest son. A burden I did not carry until my older brother left when I was 14. A burden that will serve him well as a man nevertheless.

Being a dad was easier when I watched my dad do it. All that time he made me think that nothing affected him. If only I had seen the face he displayed after he pulled me off his leg and walked out the door. But that was not the point. He wanted to play with me but he had obligations. I see now how fine a line is drawn between a face of strength and a face of sorrow. It broke his heart to leave me just like it breaks my heart to be at the Fire Station and talk to my son on the phone.

Don't Be Afraid

I did not even give it a second thought. "Don't be afraid" I reassured my son who for the first time told me "I am afraid" when I put him down for a nap. "Jesus and his guardian angels are watching over you all the time. If you are ever afraid you just call out to Jesus and he will help you" I assured him. A knot began to form in my throat and tears filled my eyes. In that moment, I was 3 years old again and my mother was telling me those exact words. My little 3 year old heart took courage in what I knew to be true and I slept easy knowing Jesus would always help me. I cannot count the number of times I was afraid and called out to Jesus to save me and my fear was abolished. Now that I am older and somewhat more foolish the fact still remains. Jesus helps me when I call him and he even helps when I do not. And a simple Sunday school truth has crushed this 32 year old man because, Jesus is faithful even when I am not.

Lord forgive me for being a prideful foolish man. In the immortal words of The Polar Express. I believe.