I have a horrible habit of getting ahead of myself, and now is no different. I think it started when I was 10 or so. I had a brilliant idea that if I just saw the end of an event it would come faster by me not paying attention and it would be here sooner. I used to do this little trick with Christmas. I would say to myself, "before I know it Christmas will be over and I will be playing with all my presents". Everyday I would wake up and think Christmas will be gone before I know it. At some point by doing this I would just miss events somehow.When things got tough last year I would say, "Paramedic school will be over before I know it" and sure enough now I am a paramedic. It's a terrible coping mechanism as much as it is brilliant because now that I have my sons I see that I used the same technique for Logan who is a pleasure to be around in comparison with his first few months of life, but things that I know I will be dying to remember are gone. I don't know if this is just nonsense but I am so emotional just seeing my boys grow up. The hardest of course is seeing Gavin. You'll be 3 years old on Saturday and just the thought of it is bringing me to tears, because all I can see is your graduation and I want to make sure you are a better man than me when that day comes. And it kills me because I don't know how to do that.
What if I change something that my parents did and its the wrong thing to do? You might think its stupid to think like this and I am really trying to enjoy these times - but all I can see is a little man who has a lot to learn and hardly any time to do it.
Maybe its this struggle that makes this life worth living...
I promise that I will try to live life beside you as a guide, but not a friend, as a daddy but also a father, and as a good example but also a mystery that hopefully one day you will unravel and learn things that just can't be taught through talking.
Amen
