Knock Knock...

It's most obvious on nights like tonight. I'm working, and it's quiet. The noise of my boys running around is gone, and I sit alone. That's when I appreciate them the most. The cute things they do like Gavin saying something crazy or wanting to wrestle out of nowhere or Logan coming up to me and manuevering his head so his face is between me and whatever I am doing which is causing me not to look at him at that moment. The thing I am looking at is usually the computer monitor. With my dad it was the TV or the newspaper. It's what he did to unwind, so to speak. But to me it seemed he liked the TV more than he liked my company...and thats what kills me. I know thats what my boy is thinking. You see my dad will say it was about time, time he didn't have - I know better. Nowdays I have tons of time. I am just not really good at spending it. In fact I am fantastic at wasting it. I suppose on some level I can't handle the responsibility of what is growing up right in front of my eyes. The more time I spend with him the more like me he will be, and it's tough to think he will emulate me, when I am not really sure I like me all that much. For my boys and the men they will become. I must try to be become a better man.



I think a shrink is just someone who remembers the stuff you were saying the last time you were talking to yourself.

Mommies Medicine

Gavin, you said the cutest thing the other day. We were at the mall the other day an you, Logan and I were waiting for daddy to get our food. I got two Tylenol out of my purse and st them on the table until my drink came. You asked me what those were and I told you they were Mommies medicine and that my head hurt. You thought about it for a second and then said "Then put them on your head!" I almost died of laughter. You crack me up! I Love You!

Almost 3

I have a horrible habit of getting ahead of myself, and now is no different. I think it started when I was 10 or so. I had a brilliant idea that if I just saw the end of an event it would come faster by me not paying attention and it would be here sooner. I used to do this little trick with Christmas. I would say to myself, "before I know it Christmas will be over and I will be playing with all my presents". Everyday I would wake up and think Christmas will be gone before I know it. At some point by doing this I would just miss events somehow.

When things got tough last year I would say, "Paramedic school will be over before I know it" and sure enough now I am a paramedic. It's a terrible coping mechanism as much as it is brilliant because now that I have my sons I see that I used the same technique for Logan who is a pleasure to be around in comparison with his first few months of life, but things that I know I will be dying to remember are gone. I don't know if this is just nonsense but I am so emotional just seeing my boys grow up. The hardest of course is seeing Gavin. You'll be 3 years old on Saturday and just the thought of it is bringing me to tears, because all I can see is your graduation and I want to make sure you are a better man than me when that day comes. And it kills me because I don't know how to do that.

What if I change something that my parents did and its the wrong thing to do? You might think its stupid to think like this and I am really trying to enjoy these times - but all I can see is a little man who has a lot to learn and hardly any time to do it.

Maybe its this struggle that makes this life worth living...

I promise that I will try to live life beside you as a guide, but not a friend, as a daddy but also a father, and as a good example but also a mystery that hopefully one day you will unravel and learn things that just can't be taught through talking.

Amen

Heart of gold

Gavin,

The other day you were being naughty and got a swat on the butt. I think you were pretty surprised since you never get spankings, but it wasn't that suprise which struck me in the gut. You cried for a short while before approaching me. You were all teary eyed and you huged me and said, "sorry" in the way that only you can say it Sa-eee that simultaneously made me proud and broke my heart. I was humbled by that genuine display of remorse. In that one fleeting moment I was reassured why I am the proudest father ever. You heart is genuinely good and for that I cannot thank God enough. You inherited something I didn't know could be passed on through the genes...you have your mommy's heart. Have faith in the future that if you trust in God and listen to that heart, you will never be led astray.

Love
Daddy

Patience

"Stay downstairs Gavin I am putting the baby to bed", I said. I knew he wouldn't listen but I said it anyway. He followed me. As I was laying his brother down to sleep he opened the closet door behind me with the light on and the baby jostled awake. "Gavin" I growled "get out of here". The baby was starting to cry now and 45 minutes of bouncing and rocking was wasted. I was furious. I pushed Gavin aside in frustration as I closed the closet door to dim the light and tried soothing the baby back to sleep. Gavin tripped and landed on his butt, but he didn't make a noise as he just shuffled out of the room.

I however am crushed with guilt. Am I a bad father? Why couldn't he just listen to me the first time when I asked him to stay downstairs while I put the baby to sleep? Why aren't I more understanding...God help me be more understanding of his curiosities and less selfish with my time. Everyone said I would make a great father, but I feel like I am the bad guy in a damn Lifetime movie or something. Man I feel like crap right now. Does this happen to all fathers?

Valentines Breakdown

Yesterday was Valentines Day. A very special day for Lori and I. I got two cards from Lori. With Gavin on my lap and Logan in Loris arms next to us I read the first card addressed to Daddy:

For Our Daddy

Maybe it's the way you hug,

or maybe it's your smile.

Maybe it's the way you stop

to play with us awhile.

Maybe it's a million zillion things

that make us glad-

We get to be the lucky kids

who have you for a dad.

Happy Valentines Day

With Love

Gavin and Logan

The timing was impeccable - just as I finished reading the card Gavin turned and gave me the tightest and longest hug he has ever given me. Loris eyes filled with tears and as the tears poured from my eyes I just hugged him back and cried. It is moments like these that make me glad I didn't give up on my dream of being a Fire Fighter. Thank you Gavin for making this the best Valentines Day ever. Next to the one that mommy gave me the jar full of reasons why she loves me.

Will I...

Will I always see a 3 year old boy when I look at your face? I didn't tell you but last night when you wouldn't kiss me it hurt my feelings. Suddenly, I didn't want that kiss anymore, but I did. I saw in that moment, and maybe you did too, your ability to hurt me like no one else can, and the quote sprung to mind. Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." To think I have been so careful with it up till now.

It was easier when...

Be strong. Take care of your mother when I'm gone. These are things I tell my little boy when I leave the house. I see in his eyes that he believes he is going to do those things when I am away, and to the best of his 3 year old ability, I know that he will. What I am really doing is instilling in him a subconscious confidence that he will carry his whole life. A responsibility to the women in his life as well as his younger siblings. This is the burden of the oldest son. A burden I did not carry until my older brother left when I was 14. A burden that will serve him well as a man nevertheless.

Being a dad was easier when I watched my dad do it. All that time he made me think that nothing affected him. If only I had seen the face he displayed after he pulled me off his leg and walked out the door. But that was not the point. He wanted to play with me but he had obligations. I see now how fine a line is drawn between a face of strength and a face of sorrow. It broke his heart to leave me just like it breaks my heart to be at the Fire Station and talk to my son on the phone.

Don't Be Afraid

I did not even give it a second thought. "Don't be afraid" I reassured my son who for the first time told me "I am afraid" when I put him down for a nap. "Jesus and his guardian angels are watching over you all the time. If you are ever afraid you just call out to Jesus and he will help you" I assured him. A knot began to form in my throat and tears filled my eyes. In that moment, I was 3 years old again and my mother was telling me those exact words. My little 3 year old heart took courage in what I knew to be true and I slept easy knowing Jesus would always help me. I cannot count the number of times I was afraid and called out to Jesus to save me and my fear was abolished. Now that I am older and somewhat more foolish the fact still remains. Jesus helps me when I call him and he even helps when I do not. And a simple Sunday school truth has crushed this 32 year old man because, Jesus is faithful even when I am not.

Lord forgive me for being a prideful foolish man. In the immortal words of The Polar Express. I believe.

My Boys

My boys. I am so proud of you. It sounds silly since you are so small. Gavin you are such a young gentleman and Logan you are such a happy go lucky little guy it just makes me proud. It is a miracle that hearts don't burst from having children. The statement being "full of joy" has never been so true. Having your mothers love has made me so happy I didn't think it was possible to feel more joy than that, but you boys are just such a blessing (I hate that terminology but I don't have another word for it) that words cannot describe how perfect this family is because of your addition. I pray that one day you find a woman you love as much as I love your mother and that you can have children as wonderful as you are to me. I love you with all my heart.

-Daddy

Last Night

Last night mommy and I put you to bed around 8:30 like normal and we sat in our bed and watched some TV. Around 9:30 or so we were talking about you and I missed you and wanted some snuggles. Mommy said "its only 9:30 and Gavin is still up" so I got up and snuck in your room and grabbed you out of bed and ran into mommy and daddies room and sat you on the bed between us to watch TV. It was the best idea ever. You were smiling ear to ear the entire hour we watched TV and snuggled and played under the covers. Daddy and Mommy went to sleep with happy hearts and you have a memory I am sure you will be fond of for some time to come.

Spoooooky!

God forbid this thing format correctly anymore. :( It was a good time anyway.

In Love

Yesterday I met you at the rink to pick up the babies since our schedules are cutting it pretty close. We made the exchange without incident and I decided that I would take the boys into the rink since Gavin was little fussy about just changing cars with no payoff. When we went inside you pushed your sunglasses up on top of your head and something about your face was lit up. I was looking at the girl I started dating 15 years ago. I know a lot of pressure is off of us with Paramedic school being over and all. I don't know what it is but I miss you so much right now. I want to call you but I know you are probably sleeping. I guess I am trying to say that this feels like one of those moments where our relationship has entered a new stage and I can feel it all around us, and its nice. I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible. My partner, my heart, my friend. I love you.

Mike

What a Bargain

My father-in-law recently sent me this email that breaks down the cost of a child and why they are so worth it and I sobbed while reading it. Enjoy.

I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition .
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year,

· $741.38 a month, or

* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."
Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watching Saturday morning cartoons,
going to Disney movies, and
* wishing on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths hand prints set in clay and cards with backward letters.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream or pizza regardless.
You get a front row seat to history, to witness the:
* first step,
* first word,
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits. So, one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN!!

Part Deux

This second child has nearly brought me to tears. He is inconsolable at times. I am humbled by the fact that my parents had 6 children. I am almost at a loss for words to describe how frustrating and sad it is when you cannot console your baby. Lately, nothing seems to work. It is an incredible testament to their love of us children that they kept having more. They wanted 8! They by no means had an easy life. My father was working 16 hour days so my mother had to be the 24/7 baby caregiver. I am amazed she wanted to do it even twice let alone 6 times. Mom I love you and appreciate you that much more.

Our Families Newest Addition!

Welcome Logan Lee!
Born 9-13-07
9' 04" 21.5in

Should I die tomorrow read this.

"After the first death, there is no other," wrote Dylan Thomas. That doesn't mean the ones that come after won't break your heart, but it's the first that punches your soul's passport. Welcome, fellow human, to a different country than the one you woke up to this morning. The air's different here; so is the scenery. Your knees don't work so well; in fact, you may want to fall to them.

For a precious little while, you are allowed to be stunned into silence, or to shriek, or to talk—recounting stories of who he was, what she meant to you, and how it all came to an end. Tell those stories. Some people may try to enforce "The Rules," to wit: Enough of This Drama Is Enough. Ignore them. Besides, if you treat yourself gently and take the time you need, someday soon you'll hear the faint but steady voice of your own good sense. Play music you love, sit in the sunshine if you can find some, and if anyone offers you a hand, hold it. Let them feed the cat, too, because they want to be useful. If your good sense does not kick in on its own, help it along: scramble some eggs. It will feel strange at first. But if you pretend that scrambling eggs is normal, eventually it will become normal. Soon you can squeeze some orange juice, too.
For some of us the stay in this new country seems endless. But time passes, seasons change, and, truly, would those we grieve for want us to mope? Come with me, back into the world. We'll return to this land someday, all too soon, but in the meantime the garden needs weeding, the bills need paying. Your other loved ones need you. And you, my sweet friend, you could use a shampoo.

—Larkin Warren

I don't quite know why I posted this, but just in case I am honored to have been the one to have punched your passport. (knowhwatimsayin) ;)

Gavin Got The Giggles

Just a note

Digging a hole in the dirt in the back yard with tiny shovels.
Watching the ants bustle about.
Getting a little too close and realising that they bite.
A feeling of trepidation when a bug decides to use your skin as a sidewalk.
Kicking a ball with dad inside the house for15 minutes on end.
Amazement at seeing that Trinity can roll over on command.
Using a cardboard tube as a megaphone.
Morning hugs and tender pats on the back.
Climbing out of the crib at nonnies house for the first time.
Correctly stating "it's raining" when stepping out into the rain.

These are a few things you have done just in the last couple weeks. I am amazed at how quickly it goes. Daddy is quite impressed with you.

Melted

Gavin,

Lately I have been trying to put you to bed as much as possible because 3 nights out of the week I am not home to do so due to school. When I do it is always the same routine. I read you a story in the glider and then I give you a kiss and put you to bed. Sometimes in the middle of the night you will wake up crying like you had a bad dream, and I will get up and sing to you Neenah Dodo and rock you to calm you down and lay you back down so you can go back to sleep. Last night you were a little fussy when I was putting you to bed even tho it was about an hour past your bedtime so after I read you your story and picked you up to put you to bed you were squirming and fussing a bit. I hugged you close and swayed for a few seconds and you calmed down. I was just thinking how nice it is when you lay your head on my shoulder and hug me when you started to sing. Neenah - Dodo, Neenah - Dodo, something unintelligible, Neenah - Dodo, Neenah - Dodo. My heart melted right out of my chest, and I swayed to your little serenade until you started sucking your thumb - clearly ready to lay down for sleepy. I caught my breath and wiped my teary eyes and gave you one last hug before I laid you down. I love you big boy.

-Daddy