Our Cassanova

Today Gavin and I were at a wrestling tournament so mommy had to take Logan to skating because she had a competition today. Logan was quite a big hit with the girls. They thought he was the cutest thing. Mommy was getting a kick out of it because he was eating it up. After a while Logan came over to her and said, "Mommy, one of these girls here is beautiful". Mommy was very intrigued to know just who Logan was talking about and said, "Oh yeah who's that?" and he said in a rather coy manner with a little grin, "You are.". Mommy was simultaneously melted and very worried by this ability to execute flattery so effortlessly. We are going to have quite the handful here.

Wrestling - A Lesson Learned

Gavin,

Today you had to go to wrestling without me. It is always a chore to send you alone because you cry and get all worked up about it. Today you toughed it out and didn't cry at all. When mommy told me that you also cut open one of the sores on your knee and you didn't cry about the blood I was teary eyed with pride. Not because I had done anything for you, but because you acheived it without me.

"I think that the greatest benefit from wrestling is learning to face challenges and to demand the most from yourself.  You learn to fight when you think there is no more fight left within you.  You learn to get up after you’ve fallen, time and time again.  You learn about sacrifice and about pain.  You learn to endure and to overcome.  This is what I want for you, not because I wrestled, but because these lessons are the true gifts of this sport."
-Allen Takata.

This is what I want for you and today you took a giant step in that direction. You were on your own.

I Love You,
Daddy

New Baby Coming!

We just found out the new baby is going to be a boy! Logan is super excited and sings to the baby and talks to mommies tummy every day. He is so excited to be a big brother finally he asks when mommy is gonna get the baby out everytime Lori has a doctors appointment. Gavin really wanted it to be a girl so he was a little disappointed when he heard it was a boy.

Gavin is wrestling now and had his first tournament today! He was very brave and went out there and gave it his all, but he ended up losing 3 times and got 4th place out of 4. I was very proud of him for working hard. He learned that we never give up no matter what.

Little Jokester

The other day we were driving in the car and Gavin was telling some nonsensical knock knock jokes and we were trying to explain why they weren't funny and why other jokes were funny. While Gavin is mulling over the concept Logan pipes up.

Logan: "Knock knock"

Mommy: "Who's there"

Logan: "Poopie"

Mommy: "Poopie who?"

Logan: "Poopie YOU!"

Needless to say we started cracking up. Gavin was not pleased at how hard we laughed at that joke so an explanation was required. We explained that since he was 2 we did not expect him to construct his own joke and that made it funny. We did not get into the finer points of that fact that the joke was constructed such that it made the recipient of the joke the butt of the joke. Logans comedic timing is still pretty darn good for 2 years old despite the fact that it was likely an accidental success.

Love

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine

A trip to Uncle Lanes

Tomorrow we take a trip to Kentucky to see Uncle Lanes farm. You boys are so excited! After watching the John Deere tractor video a million times I wonder what you will think of a real farm. Gavin you can't stop talking about the horses at Uncle Lanes and Logan just calls every farm, tractor, and plaid button up shirt Opa! :) I am really looking forward to the road trip. It was always my favorite part about vacation when I was growing up. Everyone in the car singing songs or playing games. We got to go to the Waffle House and make Pecan (pee-can) jokes all the way to Florida. It's gonna be fun!

Best Friends

Gavin,

Last week you and Logan were fighting and you said you didn't want Logan to be your friend and daddy told you that your brother is the best friend you can have in the world just like uncle Matt and daddy. You were kind of sad as you always are when daddy has a serious talk with you, but a couple days later Papa asked you who was your best friend and you told him Jack and LoLo. Daddy is so proud that you remembered what he said about being best friends with your brother. Friends can stop being your friend at any time, but your brother will always be your brother.

Love,
Daddy

The Watcher

It's midnight and I watched you sleeping. Quiet - fragile - repose. I see you every day so it's almost like I can't tell, but I remember you much smaller. It's like other children I once knew, but they're all you. It was a moment ago, but in the grand scheme of things it's like I am living the entire industrial revolution through from Horses to Space Shuttles. You are a century away from the babies that kept me up all night. You're beautiful and intelligent and self aware. Learning at a speed I can only dream about. Unencumbered - free - sojourning. I spare no toil to raise you right - the effort from which has aged me ten years.

My boys.

I know one day you'll be men. But for now I am the watcher.

Good Night.

How Can Two Halves Of Me Be So Different?

Logan,

When you were in mommies tummy I wrote an online journal for your mom and I recently read it again. Needless to say, some entries got me thinking. In the blog I write about Gavin and I praying for you to be a healthy little brother and how Gavin would kiss mommies tummy every night and how I imagined you sitting next to Gavin watching TV. It must explain that little flutter I feel in my heart when I see you two next to each other resting and watching TV. In another entry I think I found the reason you like when daddy rubs your back and why your most commonly used word was "book" right before bed. Finally, did you know that the place we went camping for your birthday was a place I first wrote about when you were in mommies tummy?

So many things to write about, but it's so easy just to sit back and enjoy you when I should be writing some of these things down. I will try to be more dilligent.

Love,
Daddy

The Same Old Story

Lori,

Not a day goes by that I don't thank God that you are my wife. I know I tell you this all the time, but I think it's a good thing that you are probably sick of hearing it. But I would rather you hear it too much than assume you knew how much I appreciate you. You are everything I always wanted in a woman and a whole bunch of things I didn't know I wanted. If I am anything in this world it is because God gave me you. I love you till death. I'm never letting go...Ever.

Mike

I hope you Dance

Gavin and Logan

I think alot about what kind of men I am raising. I wonder how many times I have to say something for it to stick. Will you become the men I teach you to be or the man that I am in spite of my direction. I feel like my dad still always has such great advice and I struggle to answer the questions of a 3 year old sometimes. The bitch of it is that I have always held my father in such high regard, and now that I am a man I see flaws. I feel so vulnerable knowing that my boys will one day grow up to analyze and judge me. It brings me to tears knowing that one day I will let them down either in reality or in perception. I guess that is why I write this blog. I want you guys to know where my head is at. I don't even know if thats a good thing that you know where my head is at or if the mystery of what I am thinking is better. Just know that I love you both more than life itself and would do anything to make you proud to call me daddy.

-Daddy

A night time prayer

Gavin,

Tonight was just like any other night. Mommy and I read you a story before bed and we prayed. You wanted me to carry you to bed because you think it is hilarious when I pretend to bump your head on the door jams as I carry you to your room. Each time we passed a door or door jam I would pretend I didn't notice that you were going to run into it and *bump* you would let out shrieks of laughter every time. After 4 or 5 bumps we got to your room and quietly put you in bed. "We don't want to wake Logan", I said. I gave you a hug and a kiss and you whispered to me "Daddy I scared" in that little accent you have that leaves out all the R's. I told you as I always do that there is no reason to be scared and if you feel scared you can just ask Jesus to help you and he will and you will feel better. You said, "ok" and I kissed you and walked out of the room and closed the door. As I was about two steps away I heard a little voice in your room. At first I was angry that you were talking because I didn't want you to wake Logan. I started back to the door in a huff, but for some reason I stopped and listened for a second. My heart broke when I heard your little voice saying, "Jesus I scared" over and over again. I was proud and shattered all at once. I walked in the room and knelt down and hugged you and asked, "Is Jesus helping you?" you looked at me a smiled and said, "Yes he is". "I told you he would" I said barely keeping my voice from cracking. One more kiss and I was out the door to tell mommy the story so she could cry right along with me. I don't want to forget this moment so I am typing this at 11 at night.

Peter Pan

When I was little I never wanted to grow up. My mom would tell me that she wanted to put me in a box to keep me small forever, "OK! I want to be like Peter Pan. I don't want to grown up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid." I'd say.

Today before going to church we were watching the movie Hook in which Peter Pan is played by Robin Williams and he is all grown up and has forgotten all about Neverland and now he has kids of his own who are kidnapped by Captain Hook played by Dustin Hoffman and taken back to Neverland. My own children were sitting on my lap entranced by the mermaids under the water in Neverland and I was reminiscing about how clever this movie was. Then came the part where Rufio puts down the ultimatum saying if you think this is Peter Pan you stay on that side of the line. Only one child a small boy stood there examining Robin Williams face, and walking around him. Finally he pushed back his cheeks into a forced smile and said "There you are Peter!". With that Gavin jumped off my lap and began to run around playing and throwing stuff like they were doing when trying to catch Peter, and I saw myself 3 years old with not a care in the world, and I started to cry.

O how Peter Pan has grown up, but its ok because even tho I hurt when I wake up and I have little Peter Pans of my own I am trying to keep my promise when I play spaceship, buy toys that I think are cool for my boys, do silly stuff and sometimes encourage naughty behavior. Even tho I have grown up, I am still a Toys 'R' Us kid. Thanks mom I wouldn't have near as much fun without you.

Knock Knock...

It's most obvious on nights like tonight. I'm working, and it's quiet. The noise of my boys running around is gone, and I sit alone. That's when I appreciate them the most. The cute things they do like Gavin saying something crazy or wanting to wrestle out of nowhere or Logan coming up to me and manuevering his head so his face is between me and whatever I am doing which is causing me not to look at him at that moment. The thing I am looking at is usually the computer monitor. With my dad it was the TV or the newspaper. It's what he did to unwind, so to speak. But to me it seemed he liked the TV more than he liked my company...and thats what kills me. I know thats what my boy is thinking. You see my dad will say it was about time, time he didn't have - I know better. Nowdays I have tons of time. I am just not really good at spending it. In fact I am fantastic at wasting it. I suppose on some level I can't handle the responsibility of what is growing up right in front of my eyes. The more time I spend with him the more like me he will be, and it's tough to think he will emulate me, when I am not really sure I like me all that much. For my boys and the men they will become. I must try to be become a better man.



I think a shrink is just someone who remembers the stuff you were saying the last time you were talking to yourself.

Mommies Medicine

Gavin, you said the cutest thing the other day. We were at the mall the other day an you, Logan and I were waiting for daddy to get our food. I got two Tylenol out of my purse and st them on the table until my drink came. You asked me what those were and I told you they were Mommies medicine and that my head hurt. You thought about it for a second and then said "Then put them on your head!" I almost died of laughter. You crack me up! I Love You!

Almost 3

I have a horrible habit of getting ahead of myself, and now is no different. I think it started when I was 10 or so. I had a brilliant idea that if I just saw the end of an event it would come faster by me not paying attention and it would be here sooner. I used to do this little trick with Christmas. I would say to myself, "before I know it Christmas will be over and I will be playing with all my presents". Everyday I would wake up and think Christmas will be gone before I know it. At some point by doing this I would just miss events somehow.

When things got tough last year I would say, "Paramedic school will be over before I know it" and sure enough now I am a paramedic. It's a terrible coping mechanism as much as it is brilliant because now that I have my sons I see that I used the same technique for Logan who is a pleasure to be around in comparison with his first few months of life, but things that I know I will be dying to remember are gone. I don't know if this is just nonsense but I am so emotional just seeing my boys grow up. The hardest of course is seeing Gavin. You'll be 3 years old on Saturday and just the thought of it is bringing me to tears, because all I can see is your graduation and I want to make sure you are a better man than me when that day comes. And it kills me because I don't know how to do that.

What if I change something that my parents did and its the wrong thing to do? You might think its stupid to think like this and I am really trying to enjoy these times - but all I can see is a little man who has a lot to learn and hardly any time to do it.

Maybe its this struggle that makes this life worth living...

I promise that I will try to live life beside you as a guide, but not a friend, as a daddy but also a father, and as a good example but also a mystery that hopefully one day you will unravel and learn things that just can't be taught through talking.

Amen

Heart of gold

Gavin,

The other day you were being naughty and got a swat on the butt. I think you were pretty surprised since you never get spankings, but it wasn't that suprise which struck me in the gut. You cried for a short while before approaching me. You were all teary eyed and you huged me and said, "sorry" in the way that only you can say it Sa-eee that simultaneously made me proud and broke my heart. I was humbled by that genuine display of remorse. In that one fleeting moment I was reassured why I am the proudest father ever. You heart is genuinely good and for that I cannot thank God enough. You inherited something I didn't know could be passed on through the genes...you have your mommy's heart. Have faith in the future that if you trust in God and listen to that heart, you will never be led astray.

Love
Daddy

Patience

"Stay downstairs Gavin I am putting the baby to bed", I said. I knew he wouldn't listen but I said it anyway. He followed me. As I was laying his brother down to sleep he opened the closet door behind me with the light on and the baby jostled awake. "Gavin" I growled "get out of here". The baby was starting to cry now and 45 minutes of bouncing and rocking was wasted. I was furious. I pushed Gavin aside in frustration as I closed the closet door to dim the light and tried soothing the baby back to sleep. Gavin tripped and landed on his butt, but he didn't make a noise as he just shuffled out of the room.

I however am crushed with guilt. Am I a bad father? Why couldn't he just listen to me the first time when I asked him to stay downstairs while I put the baby to sleep? Why aren't I more understanding...God help me be more understanding of his curiosities and less selfish with my time. Everyone said I would make a great father, but I feel like I am the bad guy in a damn Lifetime movie or something. Man I feel like crap right now. Does this happen to all fathers?

Valentines Breakdown

Yesterday was Valentines Day. A very special day for Lori and I. I got two cards from Lori. With Gavin on my lap and Logan in Loris arms next to us I read the first card addressed to Daddy:

For Our Daddy

Maybe it's the way you hug,

or maybe it's your smile.

Maybe it's the way you stop

to play with us awhile.

Maybe it's a million zillion things

that make us glad-

We get to be the lucky kids

who have you for a dad.

Happy Valentines Day

With Love

Gavin and Logan

The timing was impeccable - just as I finished reading the card Gavin turned and gave me the tightest and longest hug he has ever given me. Loris eyes filled with tears and as the tears poured from my eyes I just hugged him back and cried. It is moments like these that make me glad I didn't give up on my dream of being a Fire Fighter. Thank you Gavin for making this the best Valentines Day ever. Next to the one that mommy gave me the jar full of reasons why she loves me.

Will I...

Will I always see a 3 year old boy when I look at your face? I didn't tell you but last night when you wouldn't kiss me it hurt my feelings. Suddenly, I didn't want that kiss anymore, but I did. I saw in that moment, and maybe you did too, your ability to hurt me like no one else can, and the quote sprung to mind. Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." To think I have been so careful with it up till now.