I hope you Dance

Gavin and Logan

I think alot about what kind of men I am raising. I wonder how many times I have to say something for it to stick. Will you become the men I teach you to be or the man that I am in spite of my direction. I feel like my dad still always has such great advice and I struggle to answer the questions of a 3 year old sometimes. The bitch of it is that I have always held my father in such high regard, and now that I am a man I see flaws. I feel so vulnerable knowing that my boys will one day grow up to analyze and judge me. It brings me to tears knowing that one day I will let them down either in reality or in perception. I guess that is why I write this blog. I want you guys to know where my head is at. I don't even know if thats a good thing that you know where my head is at or if the mystery of what I am thinking is better. Just know that I love you both more than life itself and would do anything to make you proud to call me daddy.

-Daddy

A night time prayer

Gavin,

Tonight was just like any other night. Mommy and I read you a story before bed and we prayed. You wanted me to carry you to bed because you think it is hilarious when I pretend to bump your head on the door jams as I carry you to your room. Each time we passed a door or door jam I would pretend I didn't notice that you were going to run into it and *bump* you would let out shrieks of laughter every time. After 4 or 5 bumps we got to your room and quietly put you in bed. "We don't want to wake Logan", I said. I gave you a hug and a kiss and you whispered to me "Daddy I scared" in that little accent you have that leaves out all the R's. I told you as I always do that there is no reason to be scared and if you feel scared you can just ask Jesus to help you and he will and you will feel better. You said, "ok" and I kissed you and walked out of the room and closed the door. As I was about two steps away I heard a little voice in your room. At first I was angry that you were talking because I didn't want you to wake Logan. I started back to the door in a huff, but for some reason I stopped and listened for a second. My heart broke when I heard your little voice saying, "Jesus I scared" over and over again. I was proud and shattered all at once. I walked in the room and knelt down and hugged you and asked, "Is Jesus helping you?" you looked at me a smiled and said, "Yes he is". "I told you he would" I said barely keeping my voice from cracking. One more kiss and I was out the door to tell mommy the story so she could cry right along with me. I don't want to forget this moment so I am typing this at 11 at night.