I hope you Dance

Gavin and Logan

I think alot about what kind of men I am raising. I wonder how many times I have to say something for it to stick. Will you become the men I teach you to be or the man that I am in spite of my direction. I feel like my dad still always has such great advice and I struggle to answer the questions of a 3 year old sometimes. The bitch of it is that I have always held my father in such high regard, and now that I am a man I see flaws. I feel so vulnerable knowing that my boys will one day grow up to analyze and judge me. It brings me to tears knowing that one day I will let them down either in reality or in perception. I guess that is why I write this blog. I want you guys to know where my head is at. I don't even know if thats a good thing that you know where my head is at or if the mystery of what I am thinking is better. Just know that I love you both more than life itself and would do anything to make you proud to call me daddy.

-Daddy

A night time prayer

Gavin,

Tonight was just like any other night. Mommy and I read you a story before bed and we prayed. You wanted me to carry you to bed because you think it is hilarious when I pretend to bump your head on the door jams as I carry you to your room. Each time we passed a door or door jam I would pretend I didn't notice that you were going to run into it and *bump* you would let out shrieks of laughter every time. After 4 or 5 bumps we got to your room and quietly put you in bed. "We don't want to wake Logan", I said. I gave you a hug and a kiss and you whispered to me "Daddy I scared" in that little accent you have that leaves out all the R's. I told you as I always do that there is no reason to be scared and if you feel scared you can just ask Jesus to help you and he will and you will feel better. You said, "ok" and I kissed you and walked out of the room and closed the door. As I was about two steps away I heard a little voice in your room. At first I was angry that you were talking because I didn't want you to wake Logan. I started back to the door in a huff, but for some reason I stopped and listened for a second. My heart broke when I heard your little voice saying, "Jesus I scared" over and over again. I was proud and shattered all at once. I walked in the room and knelt down and hugged you and asked, "Is Jesus helping you?" you looked at me a smiled and said, "Yes he is". "I told you he would" I said barely keeping my voice from cracking. One more kiss and I was out the door to tell mommy the story so she could cry right along with me. I don't want to forget this moment so I am typing this at 11 at night.

Peter Pan

When I was little I never wanted to grow up. My mom would tell me that she wanted to put me in a box to keep me small forever, "OK! I want to be like Peter Pan. I don't want to grown up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid." I'd say.

Today before going to church we were watching the movie Hook in which Peter Pan is played by Robin Williams and he is all grown up and has forgotten all about Neverland and now he has kids of his own who are kidnapped by Captain Hook played by Dustin Hoffman and taken back to Neverland. My own children were sitting on my lap entranced by the mermaids under the water in Neverland and I was reminiscing about how clever this movie was. Then came the part where Rufio puts down the ultimatum saying if you think this is Peter Pan you stay on that side of the line. Only one child a small boy stood there examining Robin Williams face, and walking around him. Finally he pushed back his cheeks into a forced smile and said "There you are Peter!". With that Gavin jumped off my lap and began to run around playing and throwing stuff like they were doing when trying to catch Peter, and I saw myself 3 years old with not a care in the world, and I started to cry.

O how Peter Pan has grown up, but its ok because even tho I hurt when I wake up and I have little Peter Pans of my own I am trying to keep my promise when I play spaceship, buy toys that I think are cool for my boys, do silly stuff and sometimes encourage naughty behavior. Even tho I have grown up, I am still a Toys 'R' Us kid. Thanks mom I wouldn't have near as much fun without you.

Knock Knock...

It's most obvious on nights like tonight. I'm working, and it's quiet. The noise of my boys running around is gone, and I sit alone. That's when I appreciate them the most. The cute things they do like Gavin saying something crazy or wanting to wrestle out of nowhere or Logan coming up to me and manuevering his head so his face is between me and whatever I am doing which is causing me not to look at him at that moment. The thing I am looking at is usually the computer monitor. With my dad it was the TV or the newspaper. It's what he did to unwind, so to speak. But to me it seemed he liked the TV more than he liked my company...and thats what kills me. I know thats what my boy is thinking. You see my dad will say it was about time, time he didn't have - I know better. Nowdays I have tons of time. I am just not really good at spending it. In fact I am fantastic at wasting it. I suppose on some level I can't handle the responsibility of what is growing up right in front of my eyes. The more time I spend with him the more like me he will be, and it's tough to think he will emulate me, when I am not really sure I like me all that much. For my boys and the men they will become. I must try to be become a better man.



I think a shrink is just someone who remembers the stuff you were saying the last time you were talking to yourself.

Mommies Medicine

Gavin, you said the cutest thing the other day. We were at the mall the other day an you, Logan and I were waiting for daddy to get our food. I got two Tylenol out of my purse and st them on the table until my drink came. You asked me what those were and I told you they were Mommies medicine and that my head hurt. You thought about it for a second and then said "Then put them on your head!" I almost died of laughter. You crack me up! I Love You!

Almost 3

I have a horrible habit of getting ahead of myself, and now is no different. I think it started when I was 10 or so. I had a brilliant idea that if I just saw the end of an event it would come faster by me not paying attention and it would be here sooner. I used to do this little trick with Christmas. I would say to myself, "before I know it Christmas will be over and I will be playing with all my presents". Everyday I would wake up and think Christmas will be gone before I know it. At some point by doing this I would just miss events somehow.

When things got tough last year I would say, "Paramedic school will be over before I know it" and sure enough now I am a paramedic. It's a terrible coping mechanism as much as it is brilliant because now that I have my sons I see that I used the same technique for Logan who is a pleasure to be around in comparison with his first few months of life, but things that I know I will be dying to remember are gone. I don't know if this is just nonsense but I am so emotional just seeing my boys grow up. The hardest of course is seeing Gavin. You'll be 3 years old on Saturday and just the thought of it is bringing me to tears, because all I can see is your graduation and I want to make sure you are a better man than me when that day comes. And it kills me because I don't know how to do that.

What if I change something that my parents did and its the wrong thing to do? You might think its stupid to think like this and I am really trying to enjoy these times - but all I can see is a little man who has a lot to learn and hardly any time to do it.

Maybe its this struggle that makes this life worth living...

I promise that I will try to live life beside you as a guide, but not a friend, as a daddy but also a father, and as a good example but also a mystery that hopefully one day you will unravel and learn things that just can't be taught through talking.

Amen

Heart of gold

Gavin,

The other day you were being naughty and got a swat on the butt. I think you were pretty surprised since you never get spankings, but it wasn't that suprise which struck me in the gut. You cried for a short while before approaching me. You were all teary eyed and you huged me and said, "sorry" in the way that only you can say it Sa-eee that simultaneously made me proud and broke my heart. I was humbled by that genuine display of remorse. In that one fleeting moment I was reassured why I am the proudest father ever. You heart is genuinely good and for that I cannot thank God enough. You inherited something I didn't know could be passed on through the genes...you have your mommy's heart. Have faith in the future that if you trust in God and listen to that heart, you will never be led astray.

Love
Daddy

Patience

"Stay downstairs Gavin I am putting the baby to bed", I said. I knew he wouldn't listen but I said it anyway. He followed me. As I was laying his brother down to sleep he opened the closet door behind me with the light on and the baby jostled awake. "Gavin" I growled "get out of here". The baby was starting to cry now and 45 minutes of bouncing and rocking was wasted. I was furious. I pushed Gavin aside in frustration as I closed the closet door to dim the light and tried soothing the baby back to sleep. Gavin tripped and landed on his butt, but he didn't make a noise as he just shuffled out of the room.

I however am crushed with guilt. Am I a bad father? Why couldn't he just listen to me the first time when I asked him to stay downstairs while I put the baby to sleep? Why aren't I more understanding...God help me be more understanding of his curiosities and less selfish with my time. Everyone said I would make a great father, but I feel like I am the bad guy in a damn Lifetime movie or something. Man I feel like crap right now. Does this happen to all fathers?

Valentines Breakdown

Yesterday was Valentines Day. A very special day for Lori and I. I got two cards from Lori. With Gavin on my lap and Logan in Loris arms next to us I read the first card addressed to Daddy:

For Our Daddy

Maybe it's the way you hug,

or maybe it's your smile.

Maybe it's the way you stop

to play with us awhile.

Maybe it's a million zillion things

that make us glad-

We get to be the lucky kids

who have you for a dad.

Happy Valentines Day

With Love

Gavin and Logan

The timing was impeccable - just as I finished reading the card Gavin turned and gave me the tightest and longest hug he has ever given me. Loris eyes filled with tears and as the tears poured from my eyes I just hugged him back and cried. It is moments like these that make me glad I didn't give up on my dream of being a Fire Fighter. Thank you Gavin for making this the best Valentines Day ever. Next to the one that mommy gave me the jar full of reasons why she loves me.

Will I...

Will I always see a 3 year old boy when I look at your face? I didn't tell you but last night when you wouldn't kiss me it hurt my feelings. Suddenly, I didn't want that kiss anymore, but I did. I saw in that moment, and maybe you did too, your ability to hurt me like no one else can, and the quote sprung to mind. Elizabeth Stone said, "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." To think I have been so careful with it up till now.

It was easier when...

Be strong. Take care of your mother when I'm gone. These are things I tell my little boy when I leave the house. I see in his eyes that he believes he is going to do those things when I am away, and to the best of his 3 year old ability, I know that he will. What I am really doing is instilling in him a subconscious confidence that he will carry his whole life. A responsibility to the women in his life as well as his younger siblings. This is the burden of the oldest son. A burden I did not carry until my older brother left when I was 14. A burden that will serve him well as a man nevertheless.

Being a dad was easier when I watched my dad do it. All that time he made me think that nothing affected him. If only I had seen the face he displayed after he pulled me off his leg and walked out the door. But that was not the point. He wanted to play with me but he had obligations. I see now how fine a line is drawn between a face of strength and a face of sorrow. It broke his heart to leave me just like it breaks my heart to be at the Fire Station and talk to my son on the phone.

Don't Be Afraid

I did not even give it a second thought. "Don't be afraid" I reassured my son who for the first time told me "I am afraid" when I put him down for a nap. "Jesus and his guardian angels are watching over you all the time. If you are ever afraid you just call out to Jesus and he will help you" I assured him. A knot began to form in my throat and tears filled my eyes. In that moment, I was 3 years old again and my mother was telling me those exact words. My little 3 year old heart took courage in what I knew to be true and I slept easy knowing Jesus would always help me. I cannot count the number of times I was afraid and called out to Jesus to save me and my fear was abolished. Now that I am older and somewhat more foolish the fact still remains. Jesus helps me when I call him and he even helps when I do not. And a simple Sunday school truth has crushed this 32 year old man because, Jesus is faithful even when I am not.

Lord forgive me for being a prideful foolish man. In the immortal words of The Polar Express. I believe.