It was easier when...

Be strong. Take care of your mother when I'm gone. These are things I tell my little boy when I leave the house. I see in his eyes that he believes he is going to do those things when I am away, and to the best of his 3 year old ability, I know that he will. What I am really doing is instilling in him a subconscious confidence that he will carry his whole life. A responsibility to the women in his life as well as his younger siblings. This is the burden of the oldest son. A burden I did not carry until my older brother left when I was 14. A burden that will serve him well as a man nevertheless.

Being a dad was easier when I watched my dad do it. All that time he made me think that nothing affected him. If only I had seen the face he displayed after he pulled me off his leg and walked out the door. But that was not the point. He wanted to play with me but he had obligations. I see now how fine a line is drawn between a face of strength and a face of sorrow. It broke his heart to leave me just like it breaks my heart to be at the Fire Station and talk to my son on the phone.